1. Santa looks like Santa. Holiday apparel is mandatory. A Santa hat is not enough. Get a Santa suit. Buy a Santa suit. Make a Santa suit. Get creative: be a Secret Santa, Tang Dynasty Emperor Santa, Panda Santa, Candy Cane, Christmas Tree, Reindeer, KTV Elf, a Chanukah Chicken.
2. Santa acts like Santa. Be jolly. Belly-laugh. Let people sit on your lap. Sing holiday songs. Give out gifts.
3. Santa does not seek media attention or accept corporate sponsorship. “Ho-ho-ho” is good. “Publicity ho” is lame.
4. Santa doesn’t get arrested. Please remember the FOUR FUCKS:
Don’t fuck with kids.
Don’t fuck with the police.
Don’t fuck with security.
Don’t fuck with Santa.
Santa is friendly, respectful, and cooperative with everyone. Don’t fuck it up for the rest of us. Santas do not destroy property, steal merchandise, or do harm to others.
5. You must address everyone as “Santa.”