Without rules there is chaos, and who wants chaos to ruin everybody’s good time?
With the big day coming this weekend, it’s important to let everybody who is looking forward to participating know about Santa’s Rules for SantaCon:
1. Santas look like Santa
It’s called “SantaCon” for a reason, folks. Don’t be that lone party pooper who shows up in civvies. If you can’t find a costume on your own there will be a **limited** number of one-size-fits-all costumes for sale at all starting points, but you really should arrive prepared. Get onto Taobao, go to a local market. If you can’t find a Santa costume, or if that seems boring, get creative! Holiday elves are welcome! Santa needs Reindeer! There was even a couple who dressed up a gifts to each other one year. Anything goes, so long as it’s Holly and Jolly! Just don’t show up without having tried. That’ll get you onto Santa’s “Naughty” list.
2. Remember the Four Fucks:
Don’t fuck with kids – Santa loves kids, and kids love Santa. Taking pictures and handing out treats is good. Teasing or inappropriate lap-sitting is most definitely not.
Don’t fuck with Santa – Santa is a jolly old elf, so be jolly. Don’t be a dick. Treat every Santa the same way that you want to be treated.
Don’t fuck with Security – Because they will call the police! We want to spead good cheer to the places that we visit, not make them regret inviting us to come.
Don’t fuck with the Police – Because they will arrest your ass. Be a fucktard on your own time. Not when the rest of us are around. If you get arrested, you’re on your own. When they ask you to leave, BE NICE, and do as you’re told. (Ask some veteran Santas about our scare on Tiananmen Square a few years back!)
3. Remember, the answer is: “Santa!”
It’s very important how we deal with the public, private security, and most importantly, the media. If asked, this is how you should answer:
What’s your name? SANTA
Who’s in charge? SANTA
Who are you with? SANTA
What organization are you with? SANTA
Who organized this? SANTA
Who just puked in that trashcan? SANTA
There are folks who figure honesty is the best policy and that’s fine. The above statements are true. If you’re on one of Santa’s WeChat lists, feel free to add friends who want to come along, but…
Don’t point out someone
Don’t give out a name
Don’t supply an e-mail address
Don’t hand out a phone number
Dumb stares are easy. If you can’t be clever, don’t be a rat. You don’t know anything. You just showed up in your Santa suit. You heard about it but don’t remember. People work hard to pull this shit together. The least you can do is act dumb and cover their butt in case of trouble. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN CONDUCT.
Finally, please remember that SantaCon isn’t just about having fun this year, it’s about creating something nice for our city and making sure that we can continue to hold this happy event in Beijing for years to come, so do your best to stay on Santa’s “Nice” list!